I am annoyed. “How dare he…”

As I fall back on the learning from NVC, I pause and take space.

I notice my judgements, and give them the recognition they deserve.

Yes a lifetime of believing my judgements to be the truth means I need to slow it down, recognise them for what they are (an interpretation).

And then I start to feel what is really there, behind the judgement…

Fear and sadness. I have a few tears, and move as soon as I can to wondering what I am really longing for.

Well I have a real desire to matter, and for recognition and respect too.

Then the tears really flow.

Yes, so many times I have longed for these things, and I have a well of unmet needs here which is deep. Due to ignoring them for so long.

So I spend a little while just honouring the part of me that has these longings, reminding myself that I have already begun to meet them, just by taking space, recognising them, and taking responsibility for myself. I find some comfort in being honest with myself about what I’m wishing for.

And I begin to be ready to wonder what was going on for him…

I remind myself that he doesn’t “have to” do what I want. He is not responsible for me. Though I know he loves to contribute when he feels safe.

So I go back to him, softer now, really interested to enquire, and see if he is ready to share what is going on for him, what he is longing for.

And I am so grateful for this learning which has allowed me to be more connected and ready to receive others in challenging situations. I find I have many more connecting conversations and discover the softness in others too, when they can trust me to be honest, and take space when I need to.

We are human — social animals, generally - we can hardly avoid “relationships”. Is it, actually, quite likely that we NEED them?!! 

Ok - it’s been my experience that, quite inadvertently - despite what I know to be my good intentions - sometimes relationship gets sidetracked. Things don’t go the way (I at least) planned it!! 


(Walks away, maybe, scratching or shaking head……”ahh - what happened just then?”)


So we grow up and are socialised in vastly different ways  - according to culture, geography, genetics or - happenstance even! I find it a web too complex to get my brain around, rather these days I want to trust my gut feeling to navigate - I guess that’s why some of my actions don’t actually make sense…!


A bottom line for me is to seek sustainable relationships - one that give back, return some on my investment of time and energy. I also find that I can influence the success of this “equation” - by how attentive I am to it.
 

Attentive ——  synonyms might be, mindful or aware or present - and action leading from this attentiveness will be - tracking flow or development …..change in the relationship.

Humans are complex creatures - the insight of our gut feeling can often be swamped by ideas or habits of thinking; - or maybe our gut feeling instincts, still need to be moderated by our rationale (”steady on there amygdala”)


Connecting Elements - is an education in facilitating ourselves, making sense of our experiences in terms of relationship to ourselves and others.

Looking around noticeboards, Facebook, and listening to word of mouth - there are many workshops, info sessions and personal development courses out there!!

Connecting Elements (CE) love being in that mix too - and we make the seemingly preposterous claim that we are “non-aligned”!

Something we noticed about many of those workshops etc is that so many sessions rely on a system of thought, a philosophy, an “’ism” as part of making sense of their content. You do not need to adopt or adhere to any particular philosophy or world-view to benefit from our workshops.

Plainly - we acknowledge, and enjoy, that we employ Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as our basic training device - to facilitate meaning and learning within our sessions. In so doing, we assume your willingness to research and explore the “lived experience” of both yourself and the others you relate to, again assuming that you do actually want to connect more deeply and lovingly with both yourself and those others. We call this, a wish to live more authentically - more closely aligned with your values.

CE likes the notion that we are each the experts in our own life!! Oh - that would be something like - “self-alignment”, wouldn’t it? 

We are not aligned with any particular philosophy or belief system - just to be sure you understand this….

ANOTHER CONFERENCE PRESENTATION…

Another group of people gathered together, a Toastmasters conference - all public speakers to varying degrees.
We knew for sure this group would be good listeners, and they surely were - we received their full attention, and we think we returned value for that group.

Certainly we were easily able to elicit genuine responses and comments from the material we presented - themed  on the valuable place Non Violence principles can have when present in our communication “tool box”. We spoke
about the principle of “all needs being equal” - this view allowing people to quite quickly establish common points of experience and intention in establishing connection with others.

“Right now in Richmond - there is a father deciding whether to spend $500 or $800 on a birthday present for his 8yr old son; while simultaneously, in an Amazonian jungle, a father is similarly deciding whether to commit to carving
either a 6inch or 8 inch flute as a gift for his son” — common needs, different strategies to satisfy them!

Closely associated with this, a second principle we spoke of - that of “self-responsibility” for our own experience. Was it provocative to propose to the group that “other people do not make us feel things”? In general society and
relationships it seems common that it is easy to blame/attribute the source of our experience to someone else - we find it’s a valuable practice to consider also how would it be if we ourselves claimed responsibility for our “lived
experience” with the things that take place in our world.

Penny and I were very happy with how we synchronised and supported each other in delivering an effective session, we’ll admit to being quite nervous beforehand about this one, being in a relatively formal conference setting.

All in all, it was a thrill to have audience members connecting with our session content - in meaningful and personal ways!

How well connected to your everyday tasks are you?
When I say well - I also mean, do those tasks serve you well? Truly, it’s a matter of well-being and health, more particularly if we do those tasks over a long period of time.

Connecting Elements (CE) provides a space to build awareness and appreciation of the things we need in life. An awareness of our values - what is precious for us - what really does motivate me to carry out these tasks (so often?)

This is very often an insight into our daily activities - and may even become a re-ordering of our personal priorities!!
So often it seems we think and act for a specific outcome only - we enact a strategy.

CE suggests there is great value in reflecting, sensing from our awareness of our needs /values - before we take on a particular strategy - this is even more crucial when we are involving others in that task.

Wouldn’t it be great if this sort of education was available for free?

Here at Connecting Elements it is certainly true that, like you, we need to live at a simply sustainable level. We appreciate that you strive to make a fair exchange of value to participate in our workshops.

This little guide might give you some tips on how to find the finances-

Are there organisations you volunteer or contribute to who might be willing to support your education?

Your own personal fund raising activities- market stalls, sausage sizzles, raffles, busking?

Clearing out your cupboards and selling some unneeded things?

Asking friends or family to support your intentions in participating?

Gather a group of 10 or more participants to gain both our group discount and free attendance for you!

These ideas can continue the principle of “fair exchange” in your circles. You can be sure Connecting Elements will give you skills that will go with you wherever you go.

We had a lot of fun yesterday presenting a brief taster of Nonviolent Communication at the Facilitators One day Wonder, at the Abbotsford Convent.

It was great to highlight the link with nonviolent action in the world, and the principles of “all needs being equal” and “self-responsibility”. These make any of those nonviolent actions more effective, when they are understood and deeply lived.

We shared the four basic tools of NVC, and the underlying intention- to Connect first. New strategies appear more easily if we hold the intention to CONNECT.

We also introduced the idea of Faux Feelings (not quite feelings). Many of the Feeling words in our language contain a thought, and guide us if we look more deeply to the underlying feeling in our bodies. These in turn guide us to the universal needs we have, that connect us all.

In many ways NVC is like a new language, because we have been trained to believe that others are responsible for the way we feel, and we have some deeply held beliefs about ourselves.

Young children easily take on beliefs that we need to become aware of, as we gain some maturity and awareness, and choose more carefully whether to continue those beliefs.

So as we slow down our thoughts and communications to examine them, it can take a little while to feel more natural in our new beliefs and words.

At a time when we are both/all in a high state of stress, anxiety, fear and hurt, we may need to take some time apart, or just give ourselves some space for a while. Taking care of what we can do for ourselves, rather than waiting for the other person to change, shift, “get it”….whatever. You know how it is. It always seems so obvious that they got it badly wrong, and just need to admit it!

We are all more competent than we know, and can nurture ourselves in many ways, that doesn’t necessarily require a particular person to do a particular thing. OK so what they did triggered some hurt…and I have felt that way many times before, and it reminds me of….

So do the mourning for those other things in the past, and get some support with that from someone else who has the space in their being right now. Then come back to the original trigger with different eyes. Perhaps then you will be ready to hear the feelings and needs of the other person.

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